


Animal House

by Shatterpath



Series: Animalvengers [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Animal Transformation, BAMF Jane Foster, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Crack, Gen, Humor, Loki Has Issues, Magical Accidents, Sorry Not Sorry, Why Did I Write This?, should not be allowed off my leash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 08:47:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3203066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shatterpath/pseuds/Shatterpath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane finds out one of the weirder drawbacks to dating an Avenger. Let the crackfic ensue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Animal House

**Author's Note:**

> So, once again, this is a fic based on a hilarious IM convo with my pal, Duelist. It's been languishing on my hard drive for some time and made a perfect vehicle to get me writing after a couple of real life delays in the creative stream. Not my usual fare, but I'm amused and pleased with the results, even if they are pure crack! Conversation at the bottom for those that want to see just how weird it COULD have gotten…

"Well, hi there handsome! Are you lost?"

Completely confused by Darcy's jovial tone, Jane looked up from her laptop and blinked, completely nonplussed.

A dog.

A dog holding Mjolnir in his jaws.

"You silly boy, where'd you get such a good-lookin' toy?"

Kneeling next to the dog, Darcy smoothed a hand over his head, startling when her skin brushed the hammer.

"Hey, that thing is metal. What the…"

Tilting his head, the dog set the hammer down with a very familiar 'thunk' and the women could only stare. Stares that were companioned to gasps and disbelieving squeaks when the very sheepish-looking dog spoke quite clearly in Thor's voice.

"Jane… I can explain…"

 

Darcy barely waited for the bare bones of the story and bailed out the instant she heard the others had been transformed as well. Jane held out longer, something that was not quite a headache pressing behind her eyes at the sheer absurdity her life had become. When the doer of the deed slipped from Thor's mouth – and how did he even DO that with a dog's dental setup anyway – Jane was on her feet and on the warpath instantly. 

Some of her ire bled away into shock as a masculine squeal of laughter gave her scant warning to duck back through her doorway as something whooshed by. With a crash and rustle, something brown and… feathered, took out a healthy shrub growing innocently in the hallway. Breathless, joyful laughter drew Jane over to stare at some sort of brown raptor, taloned feet in the air and wings akimbo, laughing hysterically.

"Oh man, this is AWESOME!"

Clint then, she recognized his voice. Awkwardly, the bird tried to regain his feet, rolling over to his belly but unable to find purchase on the slick floor with his new feet.

"Though the no hands thing is awkward. Hey, thanks buddy!"

Thor stuck a nose to the feathered chest and levered the bird up to his feet, wings beating hilariously around his golden head. With a very awkward effort, Clint managed to get airborne again, whooping and carrying on like a madman as he careened back the way he'd come. Darcy's laughter carried faintly from where Jane knew the Avengers common rooms lay and she gave her transformed Thor a wry look.

"No putting this off I suppose."

His tail wagged slowly as he followed her with his head low.

The sight was every bit as insane as Jane feared. Actually, she rubbed her eyes as though to wake herself, but the tableau remained. It had become the world's weirdest petting zoo in the Avengers Tower. The enormous tawny cat huddled against the back of the couch would have been terrifying had it not looked so utterly miserable. The black kitty, large for a housecat by tiny compared to the monster beneath, held contemptuous court at the center of the couch back, posture compact and perfect. The green eyed stare was so laser focused and intense that Jane glanced over to the coffee bar to spot a smaller Siamese cat crouched there, tail lashing but otherwise still.

Clint the hawk was settling awkwardly near the cat, who flicked an ear in recognition, but the eyes never moved. "Hey, Nat, that was a riot!"

"You always did want to wreak proper chaos in the halls," Natasha's voice deadpanned wryly from the cat, not surprising Jane at all. Who else could have that implacable of a stare?

"I miss flying," came Tony's voice from the other side of the couch. "But I'll take thumbs any day."

Thor had padded over there and he made a faint growling sound that was echoed by Darcy's giggle. Sure enough, when Jane walked over – unable to entirely ignore the sheer terrifying mass of the big cat – there was Darcy and more of the zoo.

"There's a lemur in the tower," Jane said disbelievingly, as though the grey and white animal were somehow the last straw to her sanity. "And why is it cuddled up to your boobs, Darcy?"

More laughter was the only reply from the younger woman, but the lemur gave her a jaunty gesture and winked where he – definitely a he – was lazing back against said boobs.

"Hey, hey, Doctor Jane, good to see you."

"Tony," Jane muttered and rubbed the bridge of her nose again. It really was going to be an epic headache.

"You are being inappropriate with Darcy!" Thor blustered in outrage and the lemur waved him off negligently.

"Oh he's fine," Darcy soothed and pet the silky ears of both males, placating them. "He can cop an innocent feel for having to tolerate what I promise will be a lifetime of King Julian jokes."

Tony only sighed and rolled his eyes.

The Iron Man suit was standing looking like an exploded drawing – having not closed up after the wearer exited – and standing sentinel over a tumbled pile of gear that Jane could make out Steve's trademark colors and the edge of his shield, and what might be the feathered tip of an arrow.

"Luckily, Pepper is keyed to be able to run all my tech," Tony explained with a fond look at said woman sound asleep nearby. "So she was able to hustle out to the scene of the crime and get the important stuff home."

"She should have her own suit," Jane remarked distractedly and the lemur almost seemed to grin.

"I agree."

Pepper was sprawled out, dead asleep, in one of the handful of recliners in the room, an unusual enough sight, but it was the… creature at her feet that made Jane truly stare. It was a badger? Raccoon? Giant, muscled sloth with that slightly greened fur? Only when Bruce – it could only be Bruce – raised his head to show off a familiar black mask over a pointed muzzle did Jane realize that yes, he was indeed a giant, Hulked raccoon.

"Puny god lucky can't smash," Hulk muttered sullenly, rather than with borderline homicidal rage, which reassured Jane greatly. Sullen Hulk she could deal with.

"Agreed," Natasha said smoothly, her tone calm and even enough to strike terror into the hearts of those in the know. "Though there's a certain divine justice in the vengeful blue idiot getting himself caught in his own spell."

The Siamese cat made no sound nor movement outside the constantly whipping tail, but Jane found herself looking over there anyway.

"However, that apparently also means that we'll be stuck like this for some time."

In the fearless manner that Jane associated with Darcy – and the mysterious mojo that let her get away with it – she ;aid a gentle hand on Natasha's back, making all that black fur ripple, but nothing else. In fact, when Darcy began skritching softly, the cat sank down from her statue-of-Bast pose to a relaxed crouch, eyes relaxing but still never leaving her feline counterpart. From even a few feet away, Jane heard the purr start up. That made Steve, for who else could the giant gold cat be, peer around the couch, blue eyes miserable and beseeching. Jane had no defenses against a look like that and sighed as she crouched down.

"Oh, come here, you," she coaxed with open arms and was quickly sandwiched between the two giant blonde superheroes, stroking their head and ears. Clint hopped over and leaned down to nibble at her hair with his deadly beak. "Are you guys hungry?"

That finally made Steve speak up with a resounding and faintly desperate, "yes!" Clint hopped about in excitement and Thor's tail wagged so hard he nearly shook Jane's bones. So she stood to go to the kitchen to rummage, flashing Loki a sharp look as she walked past him. Luckily Jarvis kept the groceries as well stocked as a small restaurant and she was able to pull out a mass of ground beef big enough to feed six and dump it into a pan to warm up while Steve and Thor hovered anxiously at the edge of the tiles. She chopped a hunk of sushi-grade tuna into kibble, dished to three plates and added a can of cooked tuna to two of them. Those she carried out, setting two of them on the back of the couch for the spies. 

"Oh man, thanks Jane," Clint enthused and tore into the red, raw fish with glee while Natasha sniffed hers over in typical feline fashion before settling in to eat. Loki shrank back even further into the scant shadows of the coffee bar as she set out the last plate of raw and cooked tuna, giving it a shove to put it within reach.

"I hope you learn one day." With that comment, she left the demented sorcerer alone to eat as he would and returned her attention to Thor and Steve. "Have any of you had any water?"

"Some," Steve confessed. "Tony turned the tap in the bathroom on a bit."

"Jarvis?"

"Yes, Doctor Foster?"

"Could you please fill the bathtub in my apartment with cool water and open the doors between here and there?"

"Of course."

"You two, and you too, Bruce, go get a good, long drink in you. That beef will be half-cooked by then and we can all settle in for a movie to unwind, okay?"

Thor bounced off happily with Steve trailing after him, tail tucked tightly between his legs; no doubt he was utterly embarrassed at how his short, dense fur left him feeling naked. Even as Tony hopped onto the counter, striped tail waving, Jane spun a bowl of fruit at him with a weary smile.

"Thanks, Doc, for helpin' us out."

"What are friends for?"

There were bowls of beef set out, as well as a couple cans of cooked yams, something Jane distantly remember were good for animals, and some fruits and veg for Bruce should he want it. With several bowls of water set out for the transformed team to peruse at their leisure, Jane moved the bar to pour herself something raw and strong. Glancing at Pepper, she poured a second one. Darcy was on her own because she was having FAR too much fun with this, currently watching cat and bird eat.

A nudge woke Pepper, somewhat wild-eyed, though she stilled at Jane's wry smile and the glass held out to her. "Drink?"

"Oh, god yes. You're a lifesaver, Jane." A glance at the small animals eating, Tony happily mauling a mango in the kitchen, clearly reassured the normally composed woman. "It was a hell of a flight back."

"I bet."

Soon, they could hear noisy eating near the kitchen, the view hidden by the couches; though Darcy knelt up to watch avidly, her grin infectious. 

"I think something fun and brainless is in order," Pepper announced. "Jarvis, will you please cue up Ghostbusters? The lights can wait until everyone eats and gets settled."

"Very good, Miss Potts."

Jane watched in fascination as Natasha ran a long tongue over stiff whiskers with an ease that made Clint clearly jealous. With something that would have been a smile on a human face, she leaned over to lick his beak clean as well. "I'm not doing that for any other part of any of our anatomies," she cracked and Clint only laughed. In fact, when Thor and his goofy, happy dog face appeared, soaking wet and food-spattered, the cat sighed and jumped down to clean his face too. Bruce, now thankfully shrunk down to a plain, ordinary raccoon, trundled over with a bar towel in tow and accepted the silent offer of Pepper's lap. Watching him daintily spread out the towel over her thighs to be curled up on was sweetly hilarious, but everyone was careful not to laugh. Tony joined him, carelessly draping himself over his lover and his lab partner, the striped tails an indistinguishable blur. 

"Thank you, Natasha," Thor said gravely, nosing the cat, but refraining from doing something weird and doglike, such as licking her. Natasha nodded regally, her head shifting as Steve slunk around the edge of the couch. Awkwardly, Thor climbed onto the couch and flopped his head into Jane's lap with a gusty sigh of clear relief. "Thank you, my love, and you as well Darcy, Lady Pepper, for assisting us so."

"Any time, Big Guy," Darcy replied warmly and scooted over as Natasha lept lightly to the coffee table. It wasn't a shock to anyone that she was the sole one of them that seemed perfectly at ease with the strange transformation. Pepper flashed a weary smile at Thor and gently stroked the furry bodies filling her lap. Finally, Steve peered warily around the edge of the couch, whiskers and muzzle wet and sloppy with water and his dinner. Natasha sighed fondly and jerked her head at him.

"Come here. Cap, and shut up."

Head hunched down between his shoulders in embarrassment, Steve did as ordered, eyes closed as the smaller cat delicately groomed his face.

"There," she exclaimed with satisfaction and licked her chops. "Now you're presentable."

"Okay, fuzzy," Darcy chuckled and fearlessly placed a hand on Steve's great head. "Hop up here and join the cuddle. No excuses. After all, what other time do you get to be a two hundred pound lap cat? Besides, Clint and Nat need a place to hunker down and watch the movie and you're it."

Falling back to obeying orders, the huge cougar did as he was told and sure enough, the black cat and the sharp-toed hawk snuggled down into his neck and shoulders once he'd laid out with his head in Darcy's lap. It was only then that the younger woman made a face and spoke again. "Phew. No offense gang. But you all are a bit ripe. Baths tomorrow."

There was no feigning the chorus of groans to that.

**Author's Note:**

> The picture that started it all…
> 
> http://i.imgur.com/K8wEOD3.jpg  
> (Me) *cracks up*  
> "Um.... Jane? I can explain..."
> 
> (Duel) "....I swear, if Darcy makes one doggy style joke..."
> 
> (Me) Jane: or calls me a bitch!"  
> Darcy: "I always wanted a pet!"
> 
> (Duel) Alt: "...is this... cross species thing a genetic fetish for your family?"  
> Alt alt:" this is totally my fetish!"
> 
> (Me) *dies* kinky!  
> Thor: *sulky* If you think I look absurd, you should witness the other's transformations."
> 
> (Duel) Imagine Thor getting ear scritches
> 
> (Me) *kick, kick, kick* "Oh yeah, baby!"  
> "I think he might be doing structural damage. Take it outside!"  
> Stranger: "Hey lady? Is your dog... sparking?"
> 
> (Duel) Thor. THOR! NO ZAPPING THE SQUIRRELS!
> 
> (Me) LOL!  
> "But they taunt me so!"
> 
> (Duel) If you xsp them, no mead treats for a week
> 
> (Me) *hangs head* fine.... *sends out last little sulky spark*  
> Stop barking at the lemur! Wait, why is there a lemur in the tower? And why is it cuddled up to your boobs, Darcy?
> 
> (Duel) ....loki
> 
> (Me) *laughs* Not Tony?
> 
> (Duel) Tony via loki
> 
> (Me) OMG, you're going to make me write this, aren't you?
> 
> (Duel) Loki turned cap into an eagle or maybe golden lab. Black widow is a cat. Bruce is a raccoon. Turns into honey badger the size if a rottweiler
> 
> (Me) honey badger don't care!  
> Cap is a greyhound. Fast, insanely strong  
> Clint finally gets to be a bird and is terrorizing the hallways
> 
> (Duel) Clint is a squirrel. Or a hawk.
> 
> (Me) barking at Clint? *gigglesnort*
> 
> (Duel) Loki is a cat. Fury is....imma say naked mole rat
> 
> (Me) Nat looking as disdainful and annoyed as only a cat can be  
> "Since the vengeful blue IDIOT got himself caught in his spell, we'll be stuck like this for some time."  
> *scowls and purrs when Darcy fearlessly skritches her neck*


End file.
